Saturday, October 7, 2017

| My Love/Hate Relationship With The Fall | Why I'm So Not Excited It's The Fall |

Yes, fall is here. Everyone's favorite. Everyone is just oh-so excited for over-sized cozy sweaters, PSLs, apple picking, and jumping in the leaves. Why wouldn't you be? 

I too want to be excited for Halloween and Thanksgiving. I want to be so happy to wrap myself in a big sweater and lay by a fire. I want to be hyped about the weather being beautiful. Here's the thing though, I have a love/hate relationship with the fall. 

When something bad happens to you you tend to get bothered by everything that reminds you of it. We can get into the psychology of displaced feelings and triggers etc, but I'd rather keep this post simple and, simply put, shitty things tend to happen to me in the fall.

To say the past two fall seasons have been rough for me would be an understatement. I won't go into much detail here about what happened exactly, there are some things I'm not yet ready to talk about, but I hope to be able to tell you guys one day. 

But long story short, I spent nearly all of the cold weather months last year in my own personal hell. I was afraid and lonely. I was feeling 150 things at once and then feeling absolutely nothing at all. I stopped doing things I loved doing, I stopped blogging. I would sleep 16 hours a day, just so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I couldn't eat and I lost 15 lbs, and that's when I knew things were bad. 

It took me a while to ask for help, to reach out to loved ones. It was hard to explain to people what was going on when I could barely understand it myself. I hate how dramatic I sound when I say it was one of the worst things I've ever experienced in my life, but I have to remind myself that it's not dramatic and everything I was feeling then and everything I'm feeling now is 100% valid. 

Right now I'm feeling fearful. The date that all of this started last year is quickly approaching and I'm so afraid that it'll all happen again. I guess it's a part of mental health in general, especially anxiety or anxiety-based disorders. You become stuck on this idea that some bad thing might happen again, even though it's just as likely that it won't.  

My goal right now is to not focus on it too much. When I think too much about something, due to anxiety, it tends to manifest a lot more. Not paying attention to the thoughts is easier said then done though, because for me, my thoughts tend to get stuck on a loop, I get anxious and start to pay attention to them and the more attention I give them, the worse they get. It's an endless cycle of, I guess you could say, torture. 

What works best for me, I've found, is distraction. Not mindless, forced distraction but being distracted by things I love or things I'm busy with. My anxiety has gotten so much better because I've recently found a lot of things I really enjoy doing. I love my blog and I love working on it. I also started getting back into fashion design so that's another thing that's been occupying a lot of my time, and of course I have my secret project that I have been, and probably will be, working on for a while. I also spend a lot of time hanging out with family and friends and I love working out.

As long as I keep myself busy, with things I enjoy doing of course, and I take care of my health in general, I'll probably be fine. I also know that if my mental health starts to take a turn for the worse, I'll immediately reach out to someone and get the help I need. Having something like anxiety and depression sucks, and it'll be a lifelong battle, but I remind myself every day that I'm a strong girl and I can take whatever life throws at me. Of course there will be bad days, but the good days can be so good that I'll force myself through the bad ones.  

This was written as a way for me to get my feelings out about the things that I'm fearful of happening again. This was also written for anyone out there who may feel the same way I do. Whether it's something that comes during the winter, something that comes from some traumatic event you went through, or for anyone who may feel this way all the time. I want people to know that they're not alone. That I, and so many other people, know exactly what they're going through. 

Please, know that if you see any changes in your mental health at any time, it's so important to reach out to someone. It can be anyone; a parent, a friend, a significant other, a teacher, a doctor, any family member. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to any of them, just know that my messages are ALWAYS open and I'm always here to talk. Feel free to message me at any time, I'll always respond as soon as possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that, like me, some people don't want to reach out for help or just can't. If you know someone who may be dealing with depression, anxiety, or any other form of mental illness, check up on them. Do it subtly, ask them if they want to hang out, ask them how they're doing, and if you're really concerned, don't hesitate to get them help. No one has to be alone.

We need to end the stigma surrounding mental health. You can be depressed but still high functioning. You can have anxiety but still be extremely outgoing. OCD isn't all about cleaning and keeping things in order, and having a personality disorder, doesn't mean you can't be trusted or you're a bad person. Mental health isn't a straight, easy to follow line and no one fits into one box. Symptoms overlap and every one displays them differently. Treatments are different for everyone as well, what works for one person may or may not work for another. But most importantly, we need care and treatment for mental health to be easier, more accessible, and cheaper for people to receive. 


Instagram: @alii.grigonis
Twitter: @heyitsaliquinn


  1. I'm so sorry to read that the last two fall seasons sucked for you and that you suffered emotional trauma from bad life experiences. Severe anxiety can be be horrible.
    Coincidentally just a half hour ago I read a post written on anxiety and depression that had been written by another Long Islander 11 months ago at
    I'm glad that blogging and fashion design, your secret project being with family and friends and working out are all helping.
    Anxiety and depression are awful and serious. I know. I have struggled with both on and off for most of my life. I do see my shrink regularly, and seeing her helps.
    Thank you for writing this post!

  2. Thank you for sharing your struggle with this season and viewpoint! It makes total sense for you to not look forward to this time of year especially if something happened to you before around this time. Hopefully this year will be way more positive- seems like you're on the right path!
    Xx Jen

    1. Thank you Jen! I'm trying to focus on the positive!

      Thanks for reading!